Archive for the ‘Ruminations and ramblings’ Category

What My Son Deals With

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

A friend of mine forwarded an article on autism research to me.  The article itself, which says that autistic children process sound more slowly than neurotypical children, would be fasicnating even if I didn’t have so personal an interest.  But there was a comment afterwards about what it’s like to be autistic that just stunned me.  The writer, who calls himself “Captain Obvious”, said:

It’s … like trying to discern a current, while standing under a tons/second waterfall: it isn’t so much “scrambled”, as it is “snowing-out one’s ability to perceive/know clearly”.

I have thought for years that my son’s issues arose from a lack of mental “filters”, but this is such an overwhelmingly vivid, visceral description of just what that means.

Miscellaneous Musings

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

As the election gets closer, the landscape has been sprouting campaign signs more thickly than goldenrod.  For the most part, I pay them little heed.  I know that their purpose is to increase name recognition, but I prefer to know more of the candidates than simply their names.  A couple of them did catch my eye, though.  One was for a judge, the other for county prosecutor.  The judge, whose name is a long Eastern European tangle of letters beginning “Vj”, has a sign which reads “Tough Name; Tough Judge.”  The one for prosecutor was similar, promising to be “Tough on Crime.”  Pretty typical slogans, for those offices, and clearly what the candidates think the voting public wants to hear.  Maybe so, but it is not what I want to hear.  I’d be happier if the judge, on the same theme, had used something like “Difficult Name: Dedicated to Justice.”  I don’t want a judge to be “tough”; I want them to be fair to all concerned.  I don’t want a prosecutor who seeks convictions at any cost, by any tactics; I want one who believes in justice, understands what “presumed innocent” actually means, and is actually interested in finding out what the truth really is, somewhere between all the various versions. I drove into town last week and took advantage of early voting, so those signs won’t affect my vote now.  But if they had any effect at all, it would be negative.  If popular opinion is to be believed, most people wouldn’t agree with me, but that’s all right.  I have never been “most people”.

There was a plethora of signs in Indianapolis when I was down there as well.  I’m kind of out of that loop already, though I recognized some of the names.  What I found noteworthy there were the lack of signs for the current governor – I haven’t seen any up in this corner of the state either – and the presence of Obama/ Biden signs thickly strewn in neighborhoods where I know that Democrats have been an endangered species in prior years.  I remember voting once and hearing a precinct judge comment that all three of the registered Democrats for the precinct had voted.  I laughed a little at the time, knowing that all three were in one household.  But in that same area, it seems like Obama signs are in every other yard.  It wasn’t like McCain signs were in evidence, either.  I think I saw two in a couple of miles.  Indiana really is split between the candidates this time.  I can’t remember when it wasn’t so solidly Republican that the candidates felt no need to spend more than a minimal amount of money here.  Change indeed.

Today is our son’s 11th birthday.  I got an e-mail recently asking if I could meet with the rabbi in early November, as it’s time for him to begin bar mitzvah training.  This seems incredible to me.  When he was smaller, I figured he’d become a bar mitzvah, but that it would happen a year or two later than is usual.  Most kids start Hebrew School in pre-school, but at that time he was still in therapeutic pre-school, and there was no way he could have handled Hebrew School.  He was still having enough difficulty learning to speak English.  He really wasn’t ready to add an additional stimulus until he was in second grade and nearly eight.  Here the congregation was several orders of maginitude smaller, the teacher worked with autistic kids as her day job, and he did so well that she thought I’d home-schooled him.  (I hadn’t.)  Everyone involved is taking it for granted that of course he will become a bar mitzvah on Shabbat after his thirteenth birthday.  I can’t take it for granted.  I remember when it seemed impossible too clearly, and I am in awe of what he’s accomplshed.  When we first got a diagnosis of autism, a psychologist told me that the only limitations on what he would be able to do would be those we put on him because of our own expectations.  I have worked hard never to say “you can’t”….and he is proving, in ways both small and great, that he can.

He’s had a fabulous birthday.  He asked for and got his very own MP3 player, which he has been listening to much of the day.  He had a cake at Hebrew School, and another in the afternoon for a small birthday party at McDonald’s.  He got toy, books and clothes, and was delighted by all three.  He got to run and play with his friends, and has spent a fair amount of time during the pauses in the day reading interesting statistics to me from some of his new books, and handing me one of the ear-buds for his MP3 player so I could hear a super special song.  We heard him at 3:00 a.m., cheering quietly from his room.  “It’s today!  It’s my birthday!”  That pretty well sums it up.  It’s your birthday, boychick, and you’re the best gift I’ve ever been given.

Everyone’s Children

Monday, September 29th, 2008

It’s Erev Rosh Hashonah.  This is the season when Jews are obligated to examine their behavior and their relationships to both their fellow human beings and to the Divine.  Among other things, we look for ways to accomplish tikun olam, the healing of the world that we are commanded to undertake.  We are, indeed, “our brother’s keepers”.

I already had that sort of self-examination in mind when I started reading my usual list of blogs this afternoon.  In them, I found discussions of a thing that evidently happened last Friday.  Someone sprayed a chemical irritant into the room being used to care for the youngest congregants in a house of worship.  A number people were treated for chemical irritation to skin, eyes and throats; some of the children needed oxygen because they’d gotten a lung full of the stuff and were so small that it sent them into shock.  Several mothers and children were taken to the hospital for emergency treatment.  Thankfully, no one was so seriously hurt they had to stay, but the congregants were badly frightened, and with good cause.

It clearly fits any reasonable definition of an act of terror.  It is pure luck that no permanent physical harm was done.  It was totally reprehensible.  Nothing exucses a random attack on a house of worship.  Nothing excuses an attack on innocents, and no victims are more innocent than babies.  But this didn’t happen in Pakistan or Iraq.  It happened at a mosque in Dayton, Ohio, in the middle of United States.

Now, I have heard how “they” all hate “us”, where “they” are Muslims.  I have heard that it is “they” who perpetrate the violence.  I have had friends hurt in cross-border raids in Israel.  But my own observation is that fanatics of any and every stripe perpetrate violence, that it accomplishes nothing save to breed fear and vengeance and further violence, and that when “they” are babies and their mothers, nothing can justify it.  I don’t care who is doing what to whom in Afghanistan, or Kurdistan, or Iran or Iraq.  Babies in child care to allow their mothers to worship in peace here, in this country that is supposed to carry the banner for religious freedom – especially here – should be safe.

I’ve studied religiously-prompted violence, both in the course of learning my own religious history and in college.  It leaves marks not only on those present, but marks on cultures that can last for generations or even millenia.  We still celebrate the failure of a plan for destruction that occurred 2600 years ago.  (Purim, which has been summarized as “they tried to kill us, it failed, let’s eat.)  Kristalnacht did not only mark Jewish culture and memory; it has marked German culture.  This isn’t on anything close to the same scale.  It isn’t institutionalized, is not government sponsored or sanctioned.  But it’s still an act of hate, carried out against those who could not possibly have done harm.  It’s still an act of terrorism, the sort of thing we see reported as occurring in places like Islamabad or Belgrade.

Not here.  Not in America.  We’re better than that.  Except it did, and we’re not.  I am ashamed for my country, for a government that has intentionally fed people’s fear and xenophobia so that someone thought it made sense to attack children.  And I’m thinking that what we need now is to learn to think of those little ones not as “their children”, somehow distinct from “our children” – but of all of them as everyone’s children.

Unreconstructed Busybodiness

Tuesday, June 24th, 2008

I was cruising e-bay earlier today, seeing how much people were asking for assorted moderately odd items like a small Viking-style utility knife.  I noticed several things, one of which is that as a matter of style, modern Scandinavian knives are pretty hard to distinguish from those made a thousand years ago.  I guess there’s not much point messing with a functional design.  But there was one small knife posted that was mis-labeled, and had no bids.  I thought about it, then clicked “contact seller” and instead of asking a question, told them what they had, and what it would cost new including shipping.  (About $2.00 more than they were asking.)  I got back a “thanks for the information” note.  I don’t know what they’ll do with it, of course, but now they’ve got it.  That’s not the first time I’ve done something like that, either.  I found a sewing tool posted by someone who thought “bodkin” might be the brand name, rather than simply the name of the tool.  So I e-mailed to tell her what it was and what it was used for.  That one added the information to her posting.

I don’t know why I can’t just leave such things alone.  I’m quite certain other people are; I can’t be the only one in the world who knows these things.  I guess when you come right down to it I’m a confirmed, unabashed, unreconstructed busybody.  At least it’s a harmless quirk.  Everyone needs a hobby, right?

Lilacs Going West

Thursday, May 15th, 2008

“Go West, young man.”

John Soule, a reporter in Indiana, wrote that in 1851; Horace Greeley popularized it. When I read that as a teenager, I thought he was talking about the “west” I was familiar with. I thought of the great plains, and the land rush, and of efforts to break the Prairie that too often broke the humans instead. But as I read further, I realized that wasn’t what he’d been talking about at all. He meant the Old Northwest; places like Indiana and Illinois and Wisconsin, already admitted to statehood but still a frontier in the process of settlement. I never saw it mentioned when we studied Lincoln’s life in school, but Indiana was still a territory when the Lincoln family moved there in 1816; statehood arrived in December of that year. The opportunity that Soule and Greeley saw was that of country that was not yet settled, and had room to grow.

I was thinking about all of that because the lilacs are in full and showy bloom now. They were clearly visible from the road as we went out to dinner the other evening. Some of them were in predictable places: along the west side of houses in a solid hedge as a windbreak, or simply near to a farmhouse, visible through the kitchen window. Even those near to the road were in proximity to something, be it church or property line or cemetery. But some weren’t. I saw huge bushes, nearly trees, standing mostly isolated fairly deep into wooded areas. The thing about lilacs is that other than sending up shoots off the roots of the parent shrub, they don’t self-propagate much at all. The seeds are theoretically fertile, but they don’t sprout easily or often even under ideal conditions, and forest is hardly that. On the other hand, once established a lilac can live for a hundred years or more. There are lilacs in New England planted before the Constitution was ratified, still spreading a bit at a time, grown into great bushes, almost small trees. That means that once upon a time, someone planted those bushes I saw.

In my fascination for history, I’ve read as many of the journals kept by women settling on the frontier as I have been able to find. Often those began with the process of deciding what to take from their homes in the East, giving away the things that could not be easily transported to family and friends, saying goodbye to all that was familiar. And over and over, I would read that a woman had taken a day and dug up daffodils, or June lilies (now we call them day lilies). They collected seeds from their gardens, listing them out. And they potted up things that they treasured, things that symbolized “home” to them, like herbs from their gardens – and lilacs for the dooryard.

So those lilacs that are far from any human structure (other than the road itself) now weren’t always so. Now, for the weeks that they bloom and are clearly visible, they mark the places where those immigrants from more settled regions built their homes or their churches, or perhaps where they buried their dead. I don’t know that I’d see anything if I walked back there; just as fallen trees eventually rot back into the ground they grew from, so do cabins built from them, if not maintained. I’m no archaeologist; I don’t know what to look for, and so would likely not know the signs if I saw them. But whether I could find them or not, the stories are there, as the people were there. And even if all other signs of their presence are gone, the lilacs remain, their blooms an annual reminder of the women who planted them as a tie between the homes they had left and those they hoped to make in this new place.

Necessary Victories and Unnecessary Battles

Monday, April 14th, 2008

Our son placed second in the township 4th and 5th grade spelling bee. We are very proud of him, the more so because I know how much work that is for him in particular, in terms of staying focused. We didn’t help him, either; he didn’t tell us about it, so we couldn’t help him practice. When I asked him why, he said he didn’t know he was supposed to. No one had told him to. It didn’t occur to his teacher that he needed to be told, and we didn’t know to ask. But courtesy of his wiring, he does have to be told, specifically, something that a neuro-typical kindergartener would do as matter of course.

It never ceases to amaze me just how pervasive the effects of autism are. I suppose it should not; it is the result of non-standard neurological “wiring”, with the degree and type of autism determined largely by in what fashion and to what extent the wiring is non-standard. Sometimes I want to tell friends who grumble about how difficult their children are at this or that stage to be grateful their kids are neurotypical, shut up and parent. I’ve never yet said it, but I’ve had the thought more than once.

Some things you can predict. Where language usage is not automatic, you’re going to have trouble if the kid is asked to understand or convey something outside of his usual experience. We nearly missed his school’s winter program our first year here, because while he knew it was taking place, and that his class had practiced all the songs, he had no awareness he was actually supposed to participate. General instructions to be in a certain place at a certain time did not penetrate as applying to him. We’ve learned to ask that the adults around him tell us exactly what he’s doing and what’s expected, because he himself can’t. Even with that, though, we can get into misunderstandings, so that at one point we thought he was conveniently not showing us his weekly progress reports and assumed it was because they were poor. We put the poor kid through a miserable weekend while we waited for his teacher to answer an e-mail. And then it turned out that what he’d been trying to explain to us was that he’d mislaid the folder she put the report in, she hadn’t given it to him to take home loose, and in fact he’d had perfect marks all week. He couldn’t explain it. He didn’t have the verbal facility to do so. I hadn’t realized it, but he’s still communicating by stringing together phrases he hears that apply. He does it very well, but when he gets into a situation where that doesn’t work, he’s at a loss. And if I don’t know what he’s trying to tell me, it’s hard for me to frame leading questions to help him. This misapprehension was relatively harmless, and we apologized to him for jumping to conclusions. In the end, I suppose it was as well we learned of the issue this way, rather than with something more important.

What I never in a million years expected was for one of the biggest frustrations to involve his clothes. Not fashion – he does have a clear sense of what he likes, and doesn’t care a whole lot to be in fashion. But he has problems with small-motor coordination. That doesn’t sound like a huge deal until you realize that past a certain size – 8 or 10, for the current styles – boys pants all have buttons and zippers. You can’t even find snaps instead of buttons, and elastic waists are on the endangered species list. But buttons drive him crazy, especially in the bathroom at school, where the other boys are watching and he is expected to be quick. I see no reason to put him through that frustration, but I can’t even find elastic waist pants online. There are enough important things that he has to work on; this is not one of them. Same with his shoes – past size 6 or 7, they all seem to tie. But laces are another exercise in frustration. I’m having a horrid time finding ways to accommodate him that don’t make him stand out even more. I want shoes that pull on or fasten with velcro, but they too are on the endangered species list.

So there we are. I thought it was bad enough growing up left-handed in a relentlessly right-handed world, but that was nothing compared to my son’s frustrations. He’s growing up uncoordinated in a world that values physical prowess. And indeed it is true that he is 10 and cannot tie his shoes or ride a bike. But he will be going on to the county spelling bee now. To me, that’s far more important than being able to manipulate a button. I can always make his pants. In fact, I have a washing machine full of denim and twill I’ll be putting to that purpose even as I write. And the shoes? I’ll keep on hunting. Someone has to be selling them.

Paine-ful Summary

Wednesday, April 9th, 2008

My husband and I were sitting in the living room when he began to chuckle. When I raised an eyebrow at him, he said he’d just remembered his dad’s summary of Thomas Paine’s resume. “Started a revolution in America. Started a revolution in France. England kicked him out.”

But thinking about that made me wonder. At the time of the American Revolution, England had repealed the Stamp Acts that had started the political rebellion, and while Parliament was insisting that they had the right to use the powers objected to, for the most part they weren’t doing so. I’m not at all sure that the generalized anger at a government perceived to be “out of touch” with the general sentiments of the citizenry would have crystallized into full revolt without a catalyst such as Paine.

We have, in the current administration, a leader as much despised and derided as that earlier George, the third of that name to hold the throne of England. (We also have who is arguably as out of touch with reality, but that’s a discussion for another time.) Like the English monarchs of that earlier time, he considers himself to hold his power as a mark of divine favor. The great difference is that we have a system of government now that holds the promise of a change in leadership on a predetermined schedule. But if there are untoward and unwelcome surprises from this administration, which acts as if, in direct opposition to the founding principals of this country, it should be “a government of men and not of laws”, I wonder if the blogs and other forms of internet dissemination of ideas might serve the same purpose as Mr. Paine’s publications and rhetoric. It seems possible, even plausible. And that is a very scary thought.

Once and Future

Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

My husband and I have a routine we use when one of us is having a bad time of it, and worried about how the other will react. “I listened to the rabbi very carefully” the one responding will say “and I didn’t hear anything about ‘except when she’s in a rotten mood’ or ‘except when he’s impatient’”, or whatever the issue might be.

We stood there listening to that rabbi twenty years ago today, and we still haven’t thought of any exceptions. We’ve been through things I’ve seen break many couples up – medical crises, professional crises, career changes, financial crises, infertility and adoption, a child who turned out to have a disability, a year of living mostly apart…the list goes on, and through it all we took care of each other instead of fighting with each other.

I remember being single, but it’s a distant thing, almost like a tale heard rather than lived, certainly a thing my imagination can no longer encompass except in the most abstract way. Shortly before our wedding, someone asked me if I was sure we would be able to handle stressful events. I responded that we’d already been through the bar exam, two job hunts, living four hours apart, a boss from hell, setting up a legal practice and several moves, and that if we could survive all of that we would survive anything else the fates chose to throw at us. It appears that assessment was accurate. We have managed not only to survive, but to thrive; to remain married not out of inertia, but because we genuinely want to and work at it.

It’s been twenty years. Had I my life to do over, I would do it again in a heartbeat. But we don’t have to – we got it right the first time.

No Expiration Date

Thursday, February 28th, 2008

It’s been just about 46 years since the Supreme Court first said clearly that the people in positions of authority in the schools must not, under the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment, promote any particular religion. That includes administrators, teachers, bureaucrats and therapists, among others. It also includes substitute teachers.

That brings us to this morning. A little group of girls walking into the high school math class I was subbing for today looked over towards the desk, saw me, and said things along the lines of “We’ve got you? Wow!” One girl even stuck her head back out into the hall and called to a friend: “Hey, Casey, it’s gonna be fine. We’ve got Ms. C.!” I’ve been greeted enthusiastically before, but this was a whole new level. Then the assistant principle came in to tell the class that if they didn’t behave, I was to send them to the office forthwith. I agreed that I would do so, adding that I didn’t expect trouble; I’d not had any previously. (I had none today either; I had only to say “Please do ‘X’” and it was done without a murmur. Liking does not mean lack of respect.) When he had left, I asked the girl nearest me what was going on – and the floodgates opened. It seems the sub they had last was auditioning for evangelical b**** of the year. Not only was her idea of maintaining order to scream at them, but she targeted one particular child and would not leave her alone. “Jesus wants you” was quoted to me, as was “Repent and return to Jesus”. The girl in question dresses as a goth, and wears a pentacle. She’s also quiet, polite, very bright and very hard-working. Everyone was angry on her behalf, even the kids I knew came from evangelical families.

I was stunned. The separation of religion and school has been clear for nearly half a century. Nor need you be an attorney to be aware of it. It’s in the news at intervals. I’ve never met a parent who didn’t know that’s how it was supposed to be, however they felt about it. I blew the proverbial gasket. The kids know, because I’ve let them see, that I’m multi-dimensional. They’ve seen my costume drawings in my sketch book. They’ve seen me hemming a cloak. They’ve heard me toss in the random bit of social history that puts some action or other in perspective in terms of the attitude of its time. And they know I’m a lawyer, who is choosing to be a mom. So when I told the child in question, in front of the whole class, that what that sub had done was not only inappropriate and rude but also illegal and that she should report it to the principal, they listened, and started asking questions. They were good ones, too; they were eager for something they could actually think about instead of just memorize. So the first quarter-hour of that class wasn’t spent on Algebra, but I think that bunch of Freshmen got a good if impromptu lesson in Constitutional rights. The kid herself was rather stunned, and very grateful to have another authority figure supporting her so unequivocally. She came up to talk to me when the others started to work on their assignments, asking me why this was so personal an issue for me. So I told her. We talked for another 20 minutes. I asked her, at one point, if she wanted me to help her with the assignment since we’d spent almost the whole class period talking. She smiled and brushed it aside, saying that math was easy and she was getting an A, and would get it done in study hall.

The Bill of Rights forbids the government from establishing or supporting any particular religion. There was good cause for that: the excesses and persecutions of Protestant monarchs against Catholic subjects, and of Catholic monarchs against Protestant subjects, were still very recent when the Bill of Rights was written. The Jacobite Rebellions in England, a conflict between the Catholic James II and the Protestant William and Mary, had ended in 1745. The stories of the Protestant Huguenot exodus from France, escaping massacres that would probably now be characterized as “ethnic cleansing”, would have been part of family stories about parents and grandparents. Paul Revere’s father was one of those immigrants, settling in Boston; Revere would have absorbed that awareness of what a government-supported Church could do along with his lessons in silver craft.

That didn’t mean all was smooth sailing thereafter, of course. But in 1962 the Supreme Court said very specifically that no one religion could be presented in a public school, where the kids are a captive audience. I’m glad that’s the current standard, not only as an attorney, but as a parent. I’ve been asked, now and again, what I “have against religion”. Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. I am, in my own life, a deeply religious person. But I don’t want anyone in school, where my child has no choice but to go, teaching him religion. That’s both our job and our right, mine and my husband’s; if we delegate to other teachers, we choose them, and know that they will, for the most part, teach him the same things we would. The same is true for every child in a public school. School is a place for learning everything from science to social skills, but it is not a place for learning how to be [insert religion or lack thereof of your choice here.]

So the arrogance of this woman, whom the children do not respect and actively despise, strikes a very personal chord. I told the assistant principal about it, telling him all I knew except the name of the girl in question, because she’d asked me not to. I think the child is hoping that I and that other sub will be there on the same day. And in a way, I hope so too. I’m still boiling on behalf of a child who couldn’t defend herself, couldn’t tell that woman to go away and leave her alone, was nearly in tears just thinking about the experience. I’d relish the chance to tell Ms. Evangalist that the separation of Church and State has not expired.

All These Years

Sunday, February 17th, 2008

My in-laws 50th wedding anniversary is at the end of this week. My brother and sister in law hosted a party in honor of the occasion, with pictures set out and the wedding album for everyone to look at. The entire wedding party fit around the family dining room table. The only word I can find for the way my mother-in-law looks in those pictures is “sweet”. It’s clear that her dress isn’t white; in fact, it’s a street-length dress, with which she had a small veil and a bouquet of white flowers. The photographs are black-and-white, but she says the dress was turquoise blue. That made me smile, because the jacket she wore to the party was also turquoise blue. And my sister-in-law, bless her creative soul, found a baker to copy the wedding cake from a photo. The only difference was the topper – instead of a bride and groom, there was a golden “50″ on top.

The friends they’ve done things with since at least the early 60s were there, and the conversation was still, as I’m sure it was then, about kids. The difference, of course, is that now they’re talking about grand-kids – of whom 5 small examples were running around the house. (Four of them lived there; our son was the fifth.) There were other things on the conversational table as well, of course, everything from the political candidates to the hip replacement one man is having next week. It was fascinating to listen these women, all college educated before that was the norm, talking about the candidates in terms of women’s rights. I’ve been trying to explain, when I’ve subbed in high school history classes, why that is still important and something of what the assumptions were within the term of my own memory. It’s difficult; not only they but their mothers have little or no direct memory of a time when the attitude that women were inherently inferior was not only common, but utterly permeated every possible aspect of the culture. It was borne in upon me last night that no matter how immediate it is for me, mo matter to what extent I and my peers had to be trail-blazers, it is even more visceral for these women.

This was a celebration of companionship and love, partnership and friendship, that grew as the partners did, not only for my in-laws but for their friends, all of whom married in the same year or so. But for me, born in the year they were wed, it was a brief look into a future we will, if we are fortunate, come to in our time, as well as a look into a past as distant for me as the time I grew into social consciousness is to the kids I sometimes try to teach.