Tales from the Shark Tank

I was describing my son’s behavior to my friend with the comment that there didn’t seem to be much “impending” about adolescence.

“Congratulations” said she.  “He’s about to become an appetite, a coma, and an attitude with legs.”

*When I was a teenager, someone (I think my aunt) tried to explain puberty to my then 6 year old cousin.  Somewhat later, she said “Mom says you’re going through pubertory.”  Note that “Purgatory” is a strictly Christian concept, and we aren’t and have never been Christian.

I just went back into the administrivia pages to check something about an earlier post and realized that my New Year’s Day post was entry number 1000 in this collection of random verbiage.  I started this to get myself writing.  I’d say it succeeded.  I hope it’s provided my intrepid readers some amusement and food for thought along the way as well.

I’m feeling terribly lazy, so I am stealing this list of questions shamelessly from my friends Rana and Dorothea.  Happy New Year, all.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Went to a writer’s workshop.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Some I did, some I didn’t.  I really only have one in mind for this year: to exercise at least every other day.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I can think of at the moment.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? None.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 which you lacked in 2008? A life with minimal stress and drama, not only for myself but for those whom I love.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched in your memory, and why? June 1, 2008.  I had the privilege of performing the wedding ceremony of two of my closest friends, whom I had introduced to each other before we moved.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Keeping some portion of my sanity.

9. What was your biggest failure? My housekeeping, or lack thereof.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No more than usual.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My new sewing machine!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My husband’s and son’s.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? A judge whom I have never met in person, which is fortunate for her.

14. Where did most of your money go? Rent, food, bills, about like usual.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The wedding I did in June.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? I can’t think of one.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer? About the same, a bit fatter, about the same.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Writing. I’m going to try to fix that in 2009.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being a lump.

20. How will you be spending New Year’s? Quietly at home.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? I couldn’t say.  Sometimes it feels like I spend my life on the phone.  Now, Instant Messenger?  My friend K., no contest.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008? Yep. With my husband, every day.

23. How many one night stands in this last year? See 22, above.

24. What was your favorite TV program? We don’t have TV reception, even local channels.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes.

26. What was the best book(s) you read? The Sharing Knife:  Passage

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Irish Kings

28. What did you want and get? An incredible, wonderful birthday weekend.

29. What did you want and not get? A girl’s long weekend with my friend K.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Not having seen a grown-up’s movie, no comment.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old did you turn? Got together with people I love, got “fartessa’d” (don’t ask) and 50.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Having more energy.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Do jeans and t-shirts constitute a fashion concept?

34. What kept you sane? My friends.  You know who you are.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Guh? I dunno.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The election.

37. Whom did you miss? My maternal grandparents.

38. Who was the best new person you met? The new next door neighbor.   They bought the land adjoining ours and built a house on it.  So we’re no longer entirely isolated, but that’s ok.  They’re lovely people, and have kids for my son to play with.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. How to say no and make it stick.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

–The World is a Circle, from Shangri-La

For anyone who is expecting a phone call from me, it will be a day or so.  I just had a wisdom tooth deleted from the set this afternoon, and talking isn’t particularly comfortable.

And no, I’m not going down to Indy this weekend.  Sorry, Mom.  Possibly next weekend, but not this one.

“There’s only so much reasoning you can do with a woman who doesn’t believe in evolution.”

I was talking to my folks the other day, and somehow or other the topic of conversation drifted to my grandfather. He was an interesting person, curious about almost everything, so it was no great surprise when the next step, after deciding that he actually liked Chinese food, was to announce that I was to teach him how to make it. (The assumption was that of course I could cook anything.) So off we went to the department store, there to acquire a wok, with me along as Trusted Advisor.

Wok duly acquired, we went back to the house, and I proceeded to clean and season it, then make something for him which he pronounced good. Then it was time for me to teach him. Now, teaching my grandfather anything was an exercise in fortitude, because to call him patience challenged would be like calling water wet. But I was willing, and so off we went.

This was a man who learned to cook, to the extent that ever he did, when he was well past 70. By the time he decided to investigate the mysteries of wok-cooking, he was in his mid 80′s, and however good his mind may have been (and his memory was no longer of the best), his body wasn’t in great shape. I chopped the veggies and chicken for him to save him standing at the counter. I intended a demonstration with step by step explanations, but he decided that He Was Going To Cook. So I stood by, giving instructions, pointing out when something was starting to burn because he was standing there arguing with me, and he cooked. The real problem came when he insisted on cooking the chicken longer and hotter, to make sure it was done.

It was done all right. It would have done credit to a barbecue – as the charcoal. It was hard on the outside, and it had not had any breading on it to fry up crisp. I’m not sure what it was like on the inside, because I couldn’t cut it. It was a classic entry for an exhibit on modern carboniferous objects.

After a few minutes of poking at it, Gramps accepted my insistence that it was unsalvagable, and we got in my car and went off to his favorite cafeteria. There we ran into an old friend of his. Their conversation capped the whole adventure.

Mr. T. walked up to Gramps, asking him what he’d been doing. Gramps said that I’d been trying to teach him how to do Chinese cooking. So Mr. T. turned to me, asking if Gramps was a good student. He didn’t wait for an answer, for which I was grateful, because there was no tactful way I could.  Instead he turned back to Gramps.

“So Nate” he asked “what have you learned so far?” My grandfather’s immediate response nearly made me snort my iced tea.

“I’ve learned to ask her to do it.”

“I know what it is; it’s Communication Lite! None of the content, none of the context, but all the sincerity of Regular Conversation!”

Seen on a private blog, with thanks to the Shaman….

[O]ne should not attempt to take on the conversational equivalent of a fully armed and operational Death Star when armed only with a nerf gun.

I know a goodly number of such conversational luminaria. They tend to be interesting people. I like interesting people.

If you’re expecting (or hoping for) a phone call from me, it may be a few days. I’ve lost my voice completely, to the point of having trouble making myself heard by someone right next to me, let alone on the phone. I’ll call when it can be an actual conversation, with communication from both sides of the line.