I have spent a whole lot of time on the phone with various and sundry therapists today, and reached a most unpleasant conclusion. Lacking a crystal ball or a time machine, I will never know what happened to a set of small children for whom I have accepted responsibility. Nor will anyone else. And the way that those charged officially with their protection have gone about it, I have many more hoops to jump through than I otherwise would.
I don’t have any way out of the case, either. My priority is not my client, although professional ethics say that s/he should be. My priority is the children. I’ve always been that way. I would count myself lucky if I could tell my client what s/he doesn’t want to hear and get myself fired, but that’s not going to happen. Client trusts no one else in this (with cause), but does trust me. So that leaves me waiting for a formal report and recommendation, and then going through the process of rebooting, first my mindset, and then if possible my client’s. I haven’t decided what to do if Client doesn’t accept what I expect to be saying.
The people who convinced me to take this, to listen to the multiple voices of desperation against my own better judgment, know very well what sort of idiocies and miscarriages of justice I can’t stand back and watch. They told me exactly the right things to push my buttons. I’m not ascribing either manipulation or malice there; they were expressing what their greatest fears were to the person in their circle of contacts who could best answer them. But it still had that effect. I got into this because I couldn’t let it pass unanswered, because I truly hate bullies and bigots and institutional steamrollers. But now it looks like I’m going to have to go where I most did not want to for my own sanity, and there is no ethical way back out. Oh, well, hindsight is 20/20 by definition.
I now know where another weak spot is; I’ll be much harder to drag another time. I suppose I should be grateful for that. Maybe later on I will be. Tonight I’m just tired.
Call me. Let’s talk.
Repeat after me.
“The trouble in which my client finds his/her self is not of my making. My client called me in because of this trouble. I may not be able to fix it the way they want. I may not be able to tell them what they want to hear. That is not my fault. I did not create the situation.”
And then go hug that boychik tight to you. Today Mommy needs to be a lap, more than J needs to have a lap.
Now, repeat after me. “I am a lawyer, not a therapist. I am a lawyer, not a doctor. I am a lawyer, not a god.” Continue until you believe it.