Archive for September, 2003

The Taste Of Sunshine

Saturday, September 27th, 2003

Every family has its traditions. They may shift a bit as each generation takes up their part, but they remain recognizable. I know there are things my mother’s family does that arrived in America with my grandparents. One of those is to serve Sunshine Cake for every major Jewish holiday except Passover, when it isn’t kosher. Today being Rosh Hashonah, that cake had to be on the table at brunch.

Sunshine Cake is a citrus flavored sponge cake, assembled with great care so that when it puffs in the oven, it comes close to overflowing a 10 inch tube pan. My grandmother made it for as long as I can remember until her health and memory became too fragile for her to be safe around an oven. Mom wanted to learn, but Gram never made the cake unless it was for a big family occasion, and then it was too important to let Mom try and risk the failure inherent in first-attempt sponge cakes. Years later, after Gram had died, Mom pulled rank and insisted I let her make the sponge cake for my holiday dinner. Sure enough, it was grainy, streaked with unmixed egg white, and about half the height it should have been. She apologized, and I quickly made another cake.

Gram didn’t exactly teach me, either, but I have inherited the duty of preparing the Sunshine Cake. Gram had her first heart attack (of a total of three) when I was 10 years old. I was staying the summer with my grandparents, so Gramps had to figure out what to do with me with Gram in the hospital. Figuring out what to do with a girl-child was not his forte, and neither was doing without Gram. I’m not entirely sure he had ever done the grocery shopping on his own before that week. He had only the vaguest notions of household management. But one of those notions was that if people came to visit, you had to have something to serve. Tea and cake was a minimum. And the only cake he could think of was Gram’s Sunshine Cake.

He knew it took a lot of eggs, and he knew we needed several cakes. So he came home with 5 dozen extra large eggs, which he then had to figure out how to fit into a refrigerator of the size current in 1960, which is when he had bought the one they had in 1968. He finally accomplished it, but then asked me to use up the eggs. “Make a few of Gramma’s special cakes” he told me. “We’ll freeze them, and then when company comes to visit while she’s recovering, she won’t have to make anything.”

It didn’t occur to me that it might be beyond my skills, so I set about doing it. I hunted through Gram’s cookbooks, and finally found a recipe that looked like it might have the right flavors in it. Then I pulled out her mixer (I still have it: Sunbeam model 1) and went at it. The first one was a citrus omelet – sweet and tender but only about two inches high. For the second I beat the egg whites until I was certain they were stiff enough. It was vulcanized and completely inedible. By then Gram was allowed to have a phone in her room, so I called her. I was using the wrong recipe, she told me. It had been her mother’s, and was hand written in the back of her favorite cookbook.

Correct recipe in hand and Gram’s verbal instructions in mind, I did it again. Success! I made 4 more cakes in the next 2 days, until we were down to one dozen eggs. They were sliced and frozen, and I was tremendously proud when we served them with tea and Gram told everyone who came that I had made them while she was still in hospital.

So now the mantle of creating the citrus sponge cake has passed to me. Yesterday I ran out of time, so when my son got me up at cockadoodle dark this morning, I determined to make the cake. I had copied the recipe and put it in one of my own cookbooks years ago. Only I couldn’t find that cookbook. I turned the house upside down, and could not find that book anywhere. I couldn’t call my mom and have her read it to me, not at that hour. I sat down with a stack of vintage cookbooks and prepared to figure it out somehow.

But as I sat there, reading recipes, I realized I was comparing them to the one in my head. “No” I thought. “It takes 1/2 a teaspoon of lemon extract and 2 tablespoons of orange juice.” Or “This one calls for 1/4 cup of boiling water. Gram’s uses half that.” And then I realized. When I made 5 cakes in two days, all those years ago, I memorized the recipe. I closed the book in my lap, put it and all its kith and kin away, and started gathering ingredients. Eight eggs. Orange juice. Cream of tartar. Lemon extract. Vanilla. Cake flour. Sugar. I put it all on the counter, and began assembling the cake. Family consesus was that it tasted just like Gram’s and Great-aunt Hannah’s and Great-grandmother’s. My place is in the line as cake-maker, just as cousin Miriam makes the challah, Aunt Jerri the strudel, and Aunt Judy the kugel.

But I still don’t know what Gramps was thinking when he brought home 60 eggs.

A Night To Forget

Wednesday, September 24th, 2003

I’ve tended to talk about my son when things are going well, or when he does something I find adorable. I prefer to keep my focus there. But sometimes I am forcibly reminded that while yes, he has made a lot of progress, my kid is still autistic.

Most of the time the reminders are, if not subtle, at least not horrible to deal with. He is as likely to tumble small objects in his hands as play with them, or line things up with finicky symmetry or spin in place or hum a monotone while he does any of the other things. Disruptions in his routine and expectations are met with vociferous protest at any time. These days, it’s usually verbal.

But today it was not. Today I started to take a different route home from visiting my parents because I spotted a pair of cars with whirly red and blue lights blocking the end of the street I usually take out of the subdivision. Moreover, since they were parked on the road out of that part of town, I turned south instead of my usual north. We have gone home that way before. He knows it. He just wasn’t expecting it tonight, and he was already overtired.

The result was a complete total meltdown. He was screaming, crying, hitting me, throwing things around the car, hitting himself, biting himself: the whole range of behaviors that started us on the quest that ended with the diagnosis of “autism spectrum disorder”. Since that is most often the result of over-stimulation – and because I was worried that he would throw something that would make me lose control of the car – I pulled off the road into the synagogue parking lot no more than 3 blocks from our starting point. There we sat until he had calmed himself. I have learned the hard way that anything I say will only make things worse: the simple sound of a voice or a pat or the motion of the car is too much for him at such a time, no matter whose voice or what it is saying. So I sat silently in the unmoving car until a shaky little voice from behind me said “I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m ready to go now.”

And we went. We came straight home, through another meltdown over my refusal to stop anywhere for any reason. When we got into our own driveway, he curled up in the footwell of the car and sobbed and screamed for Mommy, but when Mommy reached for him he clawed. (No, he did me no injury. I stepped back and he didn’t try to follow. That much improvement we have achieved. He used to chase me to pinch or bite me.) Daddy came home at last and carried Joseph upstairs and got his glasses clawed off his face when he tried to remove Joseph’s shoes. That used to be a favorite trick, along with biting and pinching. It had disappeared from the repertoire a couple of years ago. I hadn’t missed it.

So here I am. I’m tired, and heartsick, and worn out from fighting a five year old. A mommy is supposed to be able to ease a child’s distress, but all I can do is increase it. I’m dreading the night, because usually when it starts out like this the kidling wakes up screaming about 2:00 a.m. and it’s all to do over again, with him refusing or violently rejecting all comfort.

Tomorrow we start over, as we do every day. With any luck, I won’t take tonight’s feelings with me. With any luck, neither will my son.

New Humans

Monday, September 22nd, 2003

Last Saturday evening I showed up late for a movie evening. That was ok, since my primary purpose in appearing was to make the acquaintance of a young lady who is new to the group. She is also new to her parents and the world in general, being under a month old. She has all the sweetness and charm most babies have, and a distinct personality of her own. She’s going to be a demon when she becomes self-propelled, as she already protests any confinement (close cuddle, car seat, whatever) at high volume. But she is also a social child, watching and interacting considerably more than most newborns do. I propped her on my raised knees and was so obviously enraptured that my hostess asked me later if I’d seen anything of the movie. I had, but it was a legitimate question.

I really don’t know why I’m so enchanted by babies and children. It is clearly hardwired. I remember asking questions and responding with fascination and a desire to care for when I wasn’t much out of babyhood myself, (about 2) and family stories indicate that the behavior existed well before my memory of it. It may even predate my ability to talk, but it’s hard to tell. Family lore also agrees that I was talking at 9 months and using full sentences by 16 months, so who knows? I do remember insisting that my mother show me how to change a diaper, hold a baby properly, and other details when I was no more than three. This enchantment has been with me as long as I have worn this body. I am a mother to my core. Now when I react to a baby people look at my son and say “once a mother always a mother”, but what explained it in the 39 years before Joseph arrived? Certainly not my hormones. They’ve been scrambled from the beginning and have already shut down ten years before they’re supposed to.

But the fact of enchantment remains, as clear as the fact that I coo at every baby I see and focus so intently on one in my arms that it’s reasonable to ask me if I saw anything of the movie. Thank you, Li.

Up, Up And Away

Thursday, September 18th, 2003

When I was smaller, one of my greatest pleasures was to climb a comfortable tree, perch, and watch the world go by. Note that I say smaller, rather than “when I was young”, because the only thing that caused me to give up my arboreal inclinations was the acquisition of the (mrph, mumble) excess pounds that currently overpad my frame. I was still cheerfully scaling the heights at age 35. This caused my mother great consternation. She was moderately distressed when she received a photo of me, taken by a professional photographer in Indiana to get the autumn leaves on film, peering down from the embrace of a rather large sycamore. I was in college then, and got a gentle lecture on how I was getting too old for such things. You may therefore imagine the response I got in my 30s when she came out of the house to find me vanishing into the leaves of the locust next door, intent on admiring the tree-house the neighbor boys had built.

Today temptation overcame gravity, good sense, and middle-aged joints. Out walking on the local campus after lunch with a friend, I came upon an apple tree – a veritable apple-bearing apple tree. While not very big, all the fruit near the ground had nonetheless fallen or been picked. Windfall apples are fine for cider, but not for eating. Then I noticed that the lowest branch was only waist high, with several more good sturdy branches at reasonable intervals above it.

I accepted the invitation. When I came down again, I had a scraped heel, a shoulder considering a tort claim notice, an apple leaf down the front of my sweater and two apples in my pockets. I would have picked more, but that was all the pockets would hold and I needed both hands to get back on the ground in one piece.

I also had an enormous silly grin. I still do. I think I must have been a dryad in a former life.

Full Circle

Tuesday, September 16th, 2003

Speak of angels, hear their wings. This is indeed my week for life-cycle events. I had e-mail this morning from another friend of many years standing. I’ve known D. since college. He’s a grandfather already, which is mind-boggling considering that I’m older than he is. But I digress.

He told me that he needed to introduce me to someone. Now, coming from him that could mean anything from a new grandchild to a new puppy. I read on.

I found he wants to introduce me to his new wife! I knew his last marriage had imploded rather spectacularly a couple of years ago, but I had stayed out of the path of destruction as much as I could. I had introduced them to each other and performed the ceremony, and both of them respected my stated wish to stay out of it and not choose between them. I’m very grateful for that.

Now he has remarried. He and M. had a tiny, quiet wedding last Friday, and he is announcing it to a few close friends. He seems very happy, and tells me that his kids and his mom also like M. (That’s good. They didn’t like his ex a bit; they barely tolerated her.) I’m hoping to have them over for dinner sometime in the next month or so.

And so it is, for me, a full circle. I rather like that.

Balance

Monday, September 15th, 2003

This morning, I found out that my friend’s mother apparently killed herself.

This evening, I got a call from another friend. This is a woman whom my husband and I helped through the time her first marriage was disintigrating, to the extent that she lived with us for several months. She has put her life together, gotten her degree, bought a house, and remarried. Now she wants to introduce me to her latest cause for joy. His name is James, and he’s 10 weeks old. I have known her for years, and I have never heard her sound so happy. She is coming over for dinner tomorrow evening, baby and all.

I wonder if I’ll get news of a wedding tomorrow.

She Boarded Her Dog

Monday, September 15th, 2003

This morning when I turned on my computer, I found an e-mail from a very close friend. She had written both out of concern for a mutual friend and because her employer wants to send her to Indianapolis for some training, and she wanted to know if she could stay with us. There was nothing exceptional in the note, and yet something about it told me to call her rather than write back.

She was glad to hear from me, and carefully checked on the things in my life that have been stressful. I gave her a full report – basically that there’s light at the end of the tunnel that is clearly not an oncoming train – and we went on. Finally, she mentioned somewhat hesitantly that she’d had a lot on her plate the past month or so.

“Like what” was the immediate answer. “What” was that her mother had died. And then the whole story came out. Her brother had gotten a call from a vet indicating that their mom had dropped off her dog, was 4 days late to retrieve it, and couldn’t be reached. J. asked some questions, then told him to call the police. They found J.’s mom in her home. Evidently she’d been dead for at least a week. And that brought the thing that J. is having so much trouble with. See, in their last conversation, her mother had planned to move to Wisconsin to be close to J. and her daughter. J. was encouraging her to do so. Less than a week later J.’s mother was dead.

And first she boarded her dog.

Unexpected Benefit

Sunday, September 14th, 2003

I’ve been mostly vegetarian for for a couple of months now. It’s been easier than I anticipated. I’ve never been terribly inspired about cooking vegetables, but I’ve learned that if I’m not focusing on a meat dish, I am capable of inspiration. I’ve also found an unexpected treasure trove of recipes in my rather large collection of kosher cookbooks. It makes sense when I think about it, really. Keeping kosher requires that meat and dairy be separated. That means that there are a raft of dairy and/ or vegetable-based recipes in a kosher cookbook. My husband, who was rather dubious when I began, has given me the great compliment of consistently taking, not only second helpings, but thirds.

But what I had not realized until I started doing it for myself was just how fast I can get a vegetarian dinner on the table. I made eggplant risotto tonight, entirely from scratch. Even with cooking the eggplant first and the process of stirring broth gradually into the rice, from the decision of what to make to the table took 30 minutes. The only thing that came out of a bag was the salad. I have never gotten a meat based meal on the table that fast.

Egg Salad

Friday, September 12th, 2003

4 hard cooked eggs, peeled and mashed with a fork

1 stalk celery, chopped

? cup golden raisins

1 Tbsp. poppy seed dressing

1 Tbsp. orange juice

? tsp dried dill

Combine all ingredients. If it isn’t moist enough for your taste, add a bit more orange juice.

Wearing The Flag

Friday, September 12th, 2003

Yesterday I wore a scarf I made a year ago for September 11th. A simple long thin rectangle made out of cotton printed with waving American flags, it provided the necessary touch of ostentatious American solidarity with a minimum of fuss. Wearing something flag-themed or red-white-and-blue to work was optional in theory. In practice, while doing so caused no comment, failure to do so would have been noticed.

That really disturbs me. Certainly I am an American, and both proud of and grateful for that fact. This country gave my grandparents shelter from the storms of European anti-Semitism. American anti-Semitism, while certainly a factor in their lives, was not so violent and deadly. They grabbed the opportunity this country presented with both hands, with the result that all three of the children of a semiliterate man who began as a peddler in New York went to college, producing two professors (my dad and his sister, both mathematicians) and an attorney, my Uncle Nathan. This same country both guarantees my right to follow my own path and permits me to object if someone in government tries to shove their version of religion in my face.

But that doesn’t mean I feel it necessary to literally wrap myself in the flag. I am distressed that failure to do so would be read as a failure to support America or to properly grieve for the victims of the attacks of that day. Perhaps because I came of age in terms of political awareness during the protests of the Vietnam era, that has always smacked of unthinking “the government is always right” cheerleading. My love of country is more deeply rooted than that, and more thoughtful. I want for my country what I want for my son: that it be the best it can be. And it seems to me that requiring me to wear the flag reduces my feelings about both the United States and all the things that were lost two years ago — not only lives, but tolerance, and perspective, and innocence — to a meaningless show.

The attack on Pearl Harbor catapulted the U.S. into WWII. Pearl Harbor Day still appears on my calendar, but otherwise goes unremarked. I wonder what we will be doing on September 11th in another 50 years. Whatever it is, I hope it is not this. Both the dead and the living deserve better.