Legislature: A body with an IQ inversely proportional to the number of stomachs.
Can you tell I’ve been reading proposed legislation?
Archive for April, 2003
Definition
Thursday, April 10th, 2003It’s a what?
Thursday, April 10th, 2003I have just acquired a sword to give as a gift. It’s a pretty thing, primarily ornamental, which will be used as part of a living history costume. It came in a box which declared it to be a “Hunting Knife, 29 inch blade”. I am told that there is some quirk in California law which requires that the thing be labelled a ‘hunting knife’.
My husband, upon seeing the box, investigated the contents. His response: (insert Elmer Fudd voice) “Be vewy vewy quiet. We’we hunting Orcs!”
Too much time
Wednesday, April 9th, 2003A friend of mine, employed in Manpower’s corporate office, sent me this. I must say, it bears a striking resemblance to state government bureaucracy as well.
It also summarizes my day quite nicely….
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News in PHYSICS – New Element Discovered
A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element tentatively has been named “Corporatium”. Corporatium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Corporatium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Corporatium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Corporatium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Corporatium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Corporatium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.” You will know it when you see it…
Work is a Four Letter Word
Tuesday, April 8th, 2003So there are Margaret and Shirley, sitting on their horses in the middle of Siberia, looking at a large black cloud of smoke in the distance. It is the wrong shape and season for a forest fire, so what is it?
Li, who could tell us, is stuck in an all day meeting and has work pressing upon her after that, and so does not currently have the time to tell us.
I tell you, work is, in fact, a four letter word.
Li, can you be bribed with good chocolate?
Update: No sooner had I posted this than Li’s message turned up in my e-mail. Li, I’ll still get you chocolate.
Ribbons Redux
Tuesday, April 8th, 2003I’ve just learned something about blogging. It needs a handle. If I’m going to rant or ramble about something topical, I need to tell y’all what prompted the thought.
So — what prompted the last entry was a news report on CNN last night. Somebody on the town council in a New England town (I missed where exactly) decided to put yellow ribbons on the light poles in support of the troops. An irate member of the community filed a petition for injunction with the court, protesting that the display did not accurately portray “community sentiment”. Interviewed, he said that he did not want his tax dollars used in a display of support for “mass murderers”.
That characterization of the troops actually on the ground fighting this thing annoyed me mightily, which in turn led directly to the bloggery.
Yellow Ribbons
Monday, April 7th, 2003One thing up front; I am as deeply opposed to the war our leaders have brought us into as it is possible to be. This is a bully’s war, an act of ultimate hubris by our own Mad King George. It is profoundly wrong, on more levels than I have time to go into before I put a certain small boy to bed.
That said, I still have problems with villifying the soldiers who are there. I wish, desperately, that our leaders had not sent them off to learn first hand what it is like to kill, to be shot at, to watch their friends die. But once those orders had been given their only choices were to go themselves, or to refuse with the consequences that carries, including the knowledge that if they didn’t go one of their comrades would be sent. They are in a horrible situation. I will not make it worse by demonizing them now or condemning them when they return. I saw the consequences of that first hand in the late 60′s and early 70′s when men were returning from Viet Nam. Certainly there are villains in this piece, but they are not the rank and file soldiers.
So am I putting up yellow ribbons? No way on Mother Terra. But neither will I condemn those who do.
The Wonders of Sleep
Saturday, April 5th, 2003We’ve been going through a rough patch with Joseph’s sleeping patterns the past few months. Since mid-January, the only time I’ve gotten an uninterupted night’s sleep is if I chanced to be out of town overnight, which is a very rare occurance. (Li’s had to listen to me kvetch at length about it.) And yes, it had to be Mommy. Joseph was accepting no substitutes; only the true and original Mommy would do.
For two consecutive nights now, he has gone to sleep at 9:00 and not awakened (or at least not called for succor) until 6:00 a.m.. I’ve managed to sleep through two whole nights!
It’s amazing how much my outlook has improved.
They asked you what?
Friday, April 4th, 2003My husband has been attempting to obtain a mindless job to keep himself busy while he recovers from a good case of lawyerly burnout. He has recently acquired an interest in hands-on type projects, so he applied to the local hardware store. Last night, over dinner, he regaled me with some of the questions on the application form.
Do you consider acceptable to use cocaine on the job?
How much would you estimate you have stolen from prior employers? There were, he tells me, separate categories for stock and office supplies, and amounts in $50.00 increments.
Have you ever lied to keep from getting in trouble? To keep someone else from getting in trouble?
Now, maybe I’m a hopeless optimist, but I can’t imagine anyone idiot enough to answer any of those questions affirmatively.
Red Tape? Where’s my machete?
Thursday, April 3rd, 2003I have just recieved confirmation, yet again, that common sense is anything but. There is a woman who is trying to transfer documents from Mississippi to Indiana. I have just had to spend an hour and force through an executive decision to get the thing completed. Why? Because Mississippi puts the information required in different places on their forms than we do on ours, and the clerks weren’t *sure* the correspondence was one-to-one.
At least I have the authority to override the robotic programming. For such small mercies, I am very grateful.
Better Late than Never…I Think
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2003Ok, necessary background info: our son, who is 5, has an “autism spectrum disorder”. That translates, in normal English, as “he’s slow to talk, physically uncoordinated, needs to be taught how to play/ interact socially/ damn near everything, and we [medical professionals] don’t know why except that it’s neurological in origin.” We’re just getting to be able to understand him in the last 9 months or so. On the other hand, he has taught himself to read, figured out number sequencing up to 1000, and figured out basic addition and subtraction. Smart kid. Probably incipient engineer, architect, or general geek. Ok, fine; no problem with that.
The problem is that every where we turn to get him the help/ therapy/ services he needs, they’re overbooked to the eye teeth. I just made him an appointment for a full formal medical/ psychological evaluation, so that I would have something to take to the school system to *insist* that they make the accomodations he needs…a smaller class and a corner he can retreat to if he is overwhelmed. I have my appointment…for December 2. That was the first available. Mostly they’re scheduling for *April 2004*!!!
I’m educated and an advocate by training as well as personality. I’ll find another way around this; this is my kid, and I have the resources. But what happens to the kid whose parents can’t send a letter and sign it “attorney at law”? Their parents must feel like they’re facing an express train head on.